Reflection Matters

Ecclesiastes 7:2-4 (NLT) Better to spend your time at funerals than at parties. After all, everyone dies—so the living should take this to heart. Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us. A wise person thinks a lot about death, while a fool thinks only about having a good time.

“Consider this: Jesus became one of us and lived our life in order to experience our death, so that he could break the power of death.” Brian Simmons, Jeremy Bouma, Grace and Hope

Have you noticed that most people tend to gravitate in one of two directions? Some would say it is optimistic or pessimistic. Others call it glass half full or glass half empty. I am going to take it a little more extreme than that to which you may agree or not. My observation through years of teaching, coaching, and counseling is that most people move toward being a victim to life, people, and situations or they tend to live a life of fantasy over reality. Both of these extremes have one thing in common: the person living in one of these two places seeks to avoid personal responsibility by either blaming or ignoring. As the victim, a person moves toward the negative even when good things are taking place. There is a comfort in being miserable. The mindset is directed to a thought process that says, “others are out to get me” or “life is just not fair” as if life is supposed to be fair. There certainly may be times of genuinely being a victim of people or circumstances for any of us, but this person lives in a victim mentality that directs every decision they make. While there may be many reasons for the mindset that in some cases may even have justification, it becomes debilitating and keeps the person making decisions that become self-perpetuating. On the flip-side of the coin is the person who lives in fantasy. At first glance, this may appear appealing, however, it is in fact equally as destructive to the person living with this mindset. This is not just about looking on the bright side of things or being optimistic, this is a mindset that avoids responsibility for decisions and actions. Denial rules the day when dealing with loss, hurt, difficult situations, and reality. While standing in the middle of a fire with flames about to consume them, they decide to roast marshmallows. The tendency is to want to believe and embrace their attitude as if it is just optimistic but the denial becomes too much. Destructiveness becomes visible over time to everyone but them. Out of both of these mindsets a third person may appear over time; this is the addict. See part of the destructiveness of both of these mindsets is that it leaves the person with no way of dealing with reality. Eventually, the alternative is to numb oneself to it all for the victim or find a way to keep up the facade for the one living in fantasy. This becomes very difficult on one’s own so addiction may set in; it may be drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, food, pleasure, possessions, high risk, religion, or any number of addictions. Some of you are thrown that I put religion in there as an addiction, but the truth is that some have an addiction to religion more than a relationship with God. Regardless of the vice, without it the person lives in the world of victimization or fantasy, alone even with other people and constantly tortured by thoughts of loss and pain but not wanting to take responsibility for dealing with them in a healthy way. The vice becomes a way to numb the pain or deny the loss and take them to a place of momentary relieve or maintain the fantasy of life being great. As anyone who has experienced this either personally or watching someone they love do this, any relieve is temporary and the fantasy of perfect life isn’t real. Over time, the losses actually become greater and the pain more intense and all is made worse in the face of denial or blame. Now some of you are saying, none of this is me; I don’t live in those extremes. Perhaps this is true, however I am suggesting that we all have a tendency toward one or the other. If we are not careful and in particular if we are not responsible to care for ourselves in time of loss, we may find ourselves in one of these two places. Even worse yet, we may find ourselves becoming that third person getting lost in addiction. Should you find yourself there or headed there, please consider the wisdom of getting some help. In Ecclesiastes, King Solomon talks of these extremes but from a place of learning from them. He is not suggesting is a good thing in and of itself, but when you find yourself there choose reflection that leads to reality and responsibility. Solomon is suggesting that regular reflection about the realities of life and death will bring balance and health to life spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. While the house of denial and fantasy may be more appealing, they are destructive. When we choose to be reflective on the realities of this life, we begin to discern between what has real value and what does not. Facing our own mortality and dealing with loss head on helps us in the journey of this life. However, it does something much richer as well, it helps us value our lives, what we do have not just the losses, and it helps us deal with the question of what does it all mean. When people take God from the picture, then life can only be lived one way . . . for self. They either live in a negative way leading to a life as a victim who is never able to get ahead because of others or because of their circumstances. Or they live life for the party. They live in the fantasy of eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow we die and nothing really matters except to be “happy”. Life becomes an ongoing series of blaming others for what is lost or a game of achievement, accomplishment, and accumulation to satisfy an unending hunger rooted in comparison to others. Reality is what one chooses it to be not what really is. Others are only there for the benefit of moving forward for selfish gain or for the cause of failure. Life is full of winners and losers in which one sees oneself as the perpetual loser or a winner at any cost. Losers don’t matter much because relationships don’t matter much. For one group, people are out to get them and for the other, people are there to help them accomplish their goals. In all of this one thing remains true; regardless of our approach to it, life on this earth is a series of losses. Some losses are very great and some have less significance, yet the longer we live, the more of them we will face. This is our reality! All of these losses leave wounds. When ignored, the wounds remain open and become infected. When dealt with, the wounds may heal completely when less significant but leave permanent scars for those major wounds. The cumulative factor of these wounds becomes even more significant depending on which way we choose to go in facing these losses. Living in the negative place of being a victim does not help because the collection of loss and suffering eventually leaves us alone with no one to blame and searching for just that. On the flip side, living life for selfish gain or in the fantasy of perfect life also leaves us lonely. As others cope with losses and pain, we find ourselves living the fantasy alone. The realization that none of this is working eventually begins to settle in and we are left searching for something new or more to satisfy the unending hunger. So what is the answer in all this? This is the question Solomon is actually answering. A life of reflection matters. While the party may be fun for a season, it will eventually leave an emptiness and loneliness. Seeking someone or something to blame for the hurt may bring momentary relief, it is deception and will ultimately deepen the pain as we suffer alone. Real reflection leads me to a place of reality, a place that helps me recognize my own limits, my own mortality, my own suffering, the mortality of this life, the suffering of others, the need for comfort, and most importantly the love of God and the need for relationship. Have you suffered great pain and loss? Consider reflection and consider God. I do not have a step by step formula for you in this book. What I do offer are some practical tools that when applied will be part of a journey of discovering comfort. Perhaps the most important of all these tools is what I am about to say next. If you take away nothing else from this writing, take away this next thought. God tells us in His Word this simple but profound command, “Be still, and know that I am God!” Psalm 46:10 (NLT)

Chapter 2 from Good Mourning by Glenn D Carver (still being written)

#lifestyle #decisionmaking #mourning #grief